Between the Stars and Sky Read online

  Miles grinned and pushed her gently with his shoulder. He said, “You first. You were the one who wrote little hearts all over your notebook sophomore year with his name in them. Mrs. Jessica Grant.”

  She blushed. “Shut up!”

  “Okay, okay. How about Scott Semson?”

  “Dibs!” she cried. “You know I did him behind the football field last October? So hot. He asked me out again, a movie in a few weeks or something. I said yes, but only if we stopped by the football field after!”

  They fell into a fit of laughter all over again, forgetting anything that mattered beyond boys and dreams. Forgetting who they were. Because for two sixteen year- olds like Jessica Richards and Miles Foster, summer life in the small town of Huntington meant nothing but fun.

  Meant nothing at all.

  Briefly, Miles thought about speaking like Jessica did, always with swearing lilts and cursing tilts. Words filled with unabashed confidence as though the world started and ended with her. Sometimes he did, he tried to. But that wasn’t Miles. Not really. And when he tried he failed.

  Miles didn’t know who he was.

  So, with Jessica, Miles laughed so hard he cried. To fit. To blend. To forget. To be. Yet the only thing Miles could not be, the only thing he refused to become, was himself.

  “I’m not coming back,” Jackson said in a rush of words that cut Miles in two. “One day I’m going to run away and leave this place forever. Travel the world for the summer.”

  “And go where?” Miles asked as the two walked together through the dark lights and mad, ambient sounds of the Firelight Festival.

  “Italy. Florida. I don’t know. Everyone has been acting so weird, so different. My Dad, especially. He and Mom hardly talk to me anymore and I have no idea what’s going on.” His fingers ran through dark bangs just beginning to grow. “It feels like I’m trapped here. All I want to do is get away.”

  “You’d have to come back, Jackson,” Miles told him, pleaded with him. “You can’t just run away from this place forever.”

  Jackson paused. And then, “I can. And I’m serious, Miles. I’m going.”

  Miles tried a different approach. His head was spinning, his neck sweating. He couldn’t imagine losing his best friend like this, and as the ferris wheel spun in front of him, Miles felt his world tilt desperately. Jackson was his lifeline, his anchor in a place where he would otherwise be drifting helplessly. “You’re my best friend, Jackson. What am I supposed to do without you?”

  “You’ll survive. You always have,” Jackson told him. “But promise me you’ll do what I asked. I know it’s a lot, I don’t even know if I should be asking it, but promise.”

  “I can’t. They’re my friends.”

  “They are not! Miles, you’re not the same guy with them. You turn into such a superficial jerk no one wants to be around. Do you seriously realize how much those guys swear and drink and get high for no reason at all? No reason, Miles. None. You’re different in the summer with me. Be that guy. Be the guy who has reasons for living, for existing, for having friends. You deserve better than the people you surround yourself with, Miles. You deserve more.”

  “I know.”

  “Then promise.”

  “I promise.”

  “And ask Sean out.”

  “Jackson!”

  “Do it, Miles. You like him. How he’ll be able to look past your stuck-up friends, I don’t know, but you have to find out. He’ll be good for you.”

  He’ll replace me, is what Jackson did not say.

  But Miles heard those words, heard the way they hid deep between everything Jackson was trying to say and everything he wasn’t. Together, they had always been something between friends and brothers, depending on each other from day one. When one moved, the other followed like a reflection in a mirror.

  Jackson said, “I don’t know if I’ll leave, but if I ever do, I want to know my best friend is happy. I just... things feel so out of control right now and I don’t know why. Don’t you want to be happy now, Miles?”

  Carnival lights flickered around them-

  closing in closer and closer.

  The world was closing in.

  “Please,” Jackson whispered. “Please, Miles.”

  So, because he had no choice and because he wanted to keep a part of Jackson with him forever, Miles promised a promise he wasn’t sure if he could keep. Because deep down, his friends were the only friends he had ever known aside from Jackson Grant. And deep down, Miles was afraid of being alone, of being an outsider in a place where it would be so easy for him to be one. He thought of his best friend, and the boy who he was supposed to ask out.

  Miles and Jackson had talked like this before; in Huntington, even in the warm summers, life had a way of consuming you, and leaving often seemed to be the best option. But they had never been this serious, this true.

  One day, Jackson would leave.

  One day, so would Miles.

  Or.

  Maybe.

  Not.

  And maybe this was the beginning of that end. Best friends for years, their time as teenagers was just beginning, though it felt like it was ending. After all, Jackson only lived in Huntington during the summers. Never more. Maybe this moment between the boys was the start of the way their little worlds began to grow apart.

  And all at once, as the screams and shouts of joyful people enjoying the Firelight Festival filled the air around him, Miles felt his heart climb into his throat. He ran, his vision growing black around the edges, behind the ferris wheel and vomited. He did not faint, but he was close. Instead, he turned to Jackson, the only person in Huntington who knew his true self, and tried to smile. Tried to be the selfless person he wanted to be. Tried to be anything but this boy hiding from the world around him.

  “I promise,” Miles said.

  Later, when he was almost asleep and almost awake, Miles would wonder how he found himself there: between so many horrible people and things, in a town that didn’t want him, surrounded by friends and family who didn’t understand.

  Alone.

  And then-

  Miles would cry.

  * * *

  EVERY MORNING, MILES WOULD look for Sean.

  And every morning he would find him. At a distance, Miles would hold Sean with his gaze, imagining the life he could have if only-

  if only.

  But Miles could not take that first step; he was too afraid. Too trapped in Huntington. And if he could admit it to himself, he was ashamed of the person he was without Jackson Grant. And even though his best friend had left months ago without reason, without warning, Miles still wondered if he would always be this person without a friend like Jackson.

  Maybe he knew, Miles thought. Maybe Jackson knew something was wrong, that he’d be gone soon. Maybe that’s what he meant.

  Miles knew he should not depend on one person to change his life for him, that he should be able to do that all by himself. But this was his excuse, and he stuck to it even after Jackson was gone. After all, you were a reflection of the people you surrounded yourself with, and all around Miles were the most beautiful, horrible people he knew. All around Miles were people that weren’t Jackson.

  Sean never knew he looked.

  And this little, cruel fact made all the difference in the world. For it was Miles who wanted, Miles who looked. It was Miles who wanted Sean more than anything. And in the end, it was Miles who hurt.

  This morning was no different. Out past the courtyard near the place where great pine trees met the school’s iron fence, the bus stopped and, as it’s doors opened, a boy with hair like the sun and eyes like the sky stepped into the world with a shy smile on his face.

  Miles couldn’t help but smile too. Even from so far away, he could feel the warmth of Sean as though the two were only inches apart.

  He wondered if Sean would ever see him.

  It was then Miles would close his eyes and make a wish. As the bus drove away and the first bell rang
, Miles would always wish for the freedom to make his own choices, the courage to open his heart to someone like Sean.

  Sean would walk by and turn left.

  Miles, right.

  But not today.

  Today the world shifted, slightly off so both boys walked a little closer to each other. At the very moment they usually began to turn in opposite directions, they didn’t. Instead, they pulled together. They smiled. They said hello.

  “I’m Miles.”

  “Sean.”

  Miles felt himself nearly choke on his words. “I know.”

  Sean paused, and gave Miles a small, confused grin that lit up his face but darkened his eyes. “You know who I am? Why?”

  “I just do,” Miles said. “I’ve seen you around school. Checked you out. I mean, I didn’t check you out. I just saw you walking. Around school.”

  At that, Sean laughed and blushed. “I’ve seen you too, Miles. Everyone has. Good game last week.”

  “You’re a basketball fan?”

  “Not really,” Sean admitted slyly.

  Miles didn’t know what to say after that. He thought Sean might be flirting with him. Maybe. After all, no one really goes to basketball games if they don’t like the sport; there’s no point.

  “Then why did you come to the game?”

  Sean looked around, as though he was searching for an answer in the air. “I don’t know. I knew you were playing. And I didn’t have anything to do. So I went.”

  “To see me,” Miles said. It wasn’t a question, but Miles didn’t need an answer; he already knew from the smile forming on Sean’s face that he was correct. And suddenly Miles wished Sean didn’t see everything about him, didn’t see the way he acted with Jessica or hear the words said about his friends on the days following most weekends. Miles wanted something new. “I’m glad you came, Sean. I wish I knew you’d been there. I would have said hello. Would have said... something.”

  “It’s okay,” Sean told Miles, his eyes filled with a delicate kind of warmth and understanding. “You said it now, that’s what matters.”

  “How about I say it again tonight?”

  Sean swallowed, surprised. “Tonight?”

  “Tonight.”

  * * *

  LATER, AS THE SUN begin the slow trek to setting on the small town of Huntington, Miles wondered if he had made a mistake. If asking Sean out had been the wrong thing to do.

  That moment, those words, could have been his downfall. The destruction of his friends, the life he knew so well but didn’t. Because his friends didn’t hang out with people like Sean, people who didn’t matter as much as they did.

  But Miles wanted this: The start of something new.

  A great and terrible accident.

  Except, Miles didn’t want to be an accident, and he didn’t want Sean to be one either. He wanted more. This was love, after all - or the beginnings of something like it. This was opening the door to the possibility of love. And love hurt. It hurt when it was good, and it hurt when it was bad. Everything, Miles knew, was too much or too little or too soon or too fast.

  Nothing was ever just right.

  But even so, Miles wanted to see Sean again. If only once more. If only for a moment. Even if it hurt. Even if it was an accident.

  Sean mattered.

  Miles checked his phone and deleted a text message from Jessica without even looking at it. Briefly, his mind drifted to Jackson before landing on the boy who refused to leave his thoughts. And, with a confident resolution, he started walking toward the setting sun, toward Sean.

  * * *

  “WHAT NOW?” SEAN ASKED.

  Miles shrugged. He focused on the sky directly above the lake where the moon and stars were beginning to poke through the blackness. “I thought you would know.”

  “Me?” Sean questioned, his voice filled with an easy kind of panic that happened when the heart beat too fast or too slow. “Why would I know anything about dating?”

  Miles felt his lips pull into a smirk. “We’re dating?”

  Crimson lit Sean’s face. “What? No. No. I don’t think so. We just had dinner. No way. I mean, are we?”

  “I don’t know. We haven’t even kissed yet.”

  Sean’s mouth moved without words. The sounds of crickets filled the night around him, though he was sure his heartbeat was louder. Until he whispered, “Do you want to?”

  “Kiss or-”

  “Both.”

  Miles grinned and scooted closer to Sean and, even though sand and water were starting to dampen his shorts, he felt heat rise the closer he moved. “I want to.”

  “So.”

  A smile. “So.”

  They were so close now. Bodies touching. Hands brushing together. Miles could almost feel Sean’s heart beating louder than his own, and he knew he wanted to be closer still. Ever closer.

  Without waiting, Miles leaned his head towards Sean and closed his eyes.

  “Wait!” Sean shouted.

  “What?” Miles said as his eyes popped open, frustrated and afraid and confused. “Do you not want to? We don’t have to. I’m sorry.”

  “No,” Sean said. “It’s not that. It’s just... Tell me a secret. A secret only I know.”

  “Why?”

  Sean paused and the light from the moon seemed to cut between them. “Because I want to know I mean something to you, Miles. This... this is something to me. You’re something. And I want to know I’m something to you too.”

  “A secret?”

  “A secret.”

  “Okay.” Miles turned and faced the lake, thinking about his life and what he might be able to tell Sean. The very fact that he didn’t have a secret he wanted to share made Miles feel horrible, useless. Not good enough for a boy like Sean. And just as his thoughts began to spiral into a dark and deep oblivion of superficial words, drinks, laughs, and drugs, he thought of a secret no one else knew. No one would ever know. No one but Sean. And then, only then, Miles wondered if he could be someone different. If this one secret, this one little fact about him, could be the seed he needed to grow.

  He whispered, “I read. A lot. At night.”

  “Yeah?” Sean said, matching the tone Miles had as though words meant more. Immediately, Miles valued that about Sean - how much he cared about words and people.

  Sean reminded Miles of Jackson.

  “Yes,” Miles told him. He was a secret reader. At night, when he wasn’t drunk or high, he would turn off his bedroom light, pull the covers over his head, turn on a flashlight, and read.

  It reminded him of being a child.

  And being a child reminded him of being Miles.

  The Miles he liked, at least.

  So Miles would read all night until the break of day and, sometimes, even then he would not stop. “I read instead of sleep. It’s the only time I feel at home, like I can be myself. No one knows. No one cares.”

  “That’s your secret?”

  “Yes.”

  “Now I know.” Sean moved closer to Miles and grabbed his hand. “And I care.”

  Miles breathed books like air. Touched them like they were life. Held them like they were death.

  And maybe they were.

  But not tonight.

  Tonight, Miles had Sean.

  And tonight, Sean was his book.

  * * *

  EVEN THE MOON WAS dark, the stars gone.

  The only light was Miles and Sean, together. They were wrapped in a blanket, warm and safe. And somehow, in a perfect way, it was as though the two had always been together.

  Then-

  “Why are you friends with them?” Sean asked, his words rising and falling with his chest. The wind a steady breeze against them, between them even through the blanket.

  Miles shrugged. “We’ve always been friends. I guess I don’t know what it’s like to not have them.”

  “She calls you a bitch, Miles. A bitch. A fucking whore. I’ve heard her. Friends don’t say things like that to people the
y care about.”

  Miles let out a snort. “You sound like Jackson.”

  “Who?” Sean asked, his voice a pitch higher than normal in a quiet surge of jealousy.

  “My friend. A guy I used to know. He used to stay in Huntington in the summers before he left.” A pause, a quick beat. “He doesn’t visit anymore. But when he did he used to tell me I was too good for my friends. I was different with him.”

  “Different how?”

  “Like I am with you, I think.”

  “And you like how you are with me?”

  Miles did not answer.

  Instead, he pulled Sean against him and hugged him with both arms. His lips found Sean’s forehead and planted a kiss there. Together, they held each other.

  They were together.

  And that was the answer.

  “Jackson sounds like a good guy,” Sean told him.

  “He is.”

  “You still talk to him?”

  Miles was quiet for a moment. “Not really.”

  “You should.”

  “You think?”

  “I think so. Maybe he’s afraid to talk to you. People are afraid of silly things, sometimes. And you should drop Jessica.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  “Yes it is, Miles. Everything is as easy or hard as you make it. Think about that. Think about what you want and who you are and who you should be.”

  “And just go for it?”

  Sean nodded. “Go for it.”

  All his life Miles heard people tell him who he was-

  who he shouldn’t be.

  Conservative people with conservative hearts and minds would mutter liberal things about the way he loved and lived his life, and how he was wrong. Rumors told him his heart was somehow ignorant of love and how it should be, and that if he loved anyone less than who they approved he was incorrect. He had always known who he was, but even so, being told you are less than what you should be the majority of your life weighs heavily on the soul.

  Both Miles and Sean lived their lives in fear of words. In fear of the power words held over the acceptance of their lived, their love. Day after day, the boys stepped into a world that either accepted them, or didn’t. And even then, when they were accepted with open arms, they were rarely treated normally.